


Conversations with a Giant Fish

by Tiny_Black_Cat



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Carmilla crack, Crack, Everyone is mean to Lophii and I'm a little sorry, LaF teaches Lophii about gender, Misgendering of LaFontaine, Other, Talk about ... virgin sacrifices, That's a lot of L names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-29 18:08:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiny_Black_Cat/pseuds/Tiny_Black_Cat
Summary: LaFontaine talks to the Old One.Warning: misgendering of LaFontaine





	Conversations with a Giant Fish

**Author's Note:**

> Written 7-7-15  
> 

LaFontaine’s flashlight was giving them trouble, but even in the dim lighting, they could tell they were close. As they entered a large cavern, they could hear a voice whisper, “maiden, come to me.”

“Excuse you?” LaFontaine slapped their flashlight one last time. It turned on, to reveal the large ugly face of one anglerfish god.

“Could you not shine that light in my eyes?” it asked.

“Oh yeah, sure,” they aimed it lower.

“Now, what did I do wrong? I call the virgins, they come, I eat. It’s quite simple.”

They frowned at it. “Aside from the obvious moral issues of eating people, you called me a maiden. I’m not a girl.”

Lophii didn’t really have eyebrows, but it managed to convey an expression of confusion. “You’re not?” It squinted at LaFontaine.

“No. But I’m not a boy either. I’m neither.”

“Huh,” the anglerfish said. “I didn’t know such people existed. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

The Lophiiformes sighed. “I prefer to eat females. If you’re not a female, I’d prefer not to eat you.”

“I’d prefer you not eat me too,” they said.

Their conversation was interrupted by the entrance of Laura.

“There you are! We were worried about you!” she said.

The anglerfish perked up. “Is she a virgin?”

LaFontaine was spared from answering by the arrival of Carmilla, who smirked. “Nope.”

Blushing, Laura turned back to LaFontaine.

“Why are you talking to it?”

“Hey,” it protested. “I have a gender.”

Carmilla looked at it. “Quick question: how much rice would we need to make sushi out of this guy?”

Lophii frowned at her, flapping its tiny fish fins in a futile escape to move.

“LaFontaine!” Perry walked into the cavern.

“We were looking all over for you, and here you are hanging out with the giant fish!”

“I’m lonely,” it pouted.

“I’ve had enough exploring. We’re going home.” Perry grabbed LaFontaine’s arm as Carmilla and Laura started to leave.

“Wait!” the anglerfish called.

They stopped.

“The no-gender one is starting to look really tasty. Can I eat you?”

“They’re not a virgin,” Perry informed it.

“Perr!”

“How do you know?” the anglerfish god asked suspiciously.

“Let’s _go_ ,” Perry tugged LaFontaine’s arm. They went without protest.


End file.
